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31st December 2020 • Sticky Post

Personal Inventory: Taking Stock for the New Year

If you have any experience with recovery, you’re probably already familiar with the concept of a personal inventory. The Big Book used by Alcoholics Anonymous describes Step 4 as “a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” But even if you aren’t in a 12 Step Program, tackling a personal inventory should still be a component of your recovery program.

Everyone makes mistakes in life, and everyone is wronged by others. For most addicts, the severity and number of these transgressions are compounded by a lifestyle that’s almost certain to lead to trauma, stress, and dishonesty. A personal inventory is a great tool for examining the effects of the harm done and moving beyond it into a happy, healthy, and sober life.

Facing The Facts

Personal Inventory: Taking Stock for the New Year

The life of an addict can be a blur, and many people in recovery are just beginning to confront the reality of their own actions and behaviors. It is common to dwell on negative emotions, past trauma, and family dynamics to justify addiction and to minimize our own roles in poisoning relationships and creating problems in our lives and the lives of those around us. One of the most essential benefits those in recovery receive from a personal inventory is the ability to examine and evaluate their own actions without shifting blame, justifying past misdeeds, and becoming bogged down in negative emotions. Addicts and alcoholics necessarily spend years lying to themselves and those around them about the nature, depth, and symptoms of their condition. As you begin to scrupulously examine the facts of your life, you’ll find that the reality of your life and relationships are significantly different from the stories you’ve been telling yourself and those around you. This is a key reason why personal inventories are so essential to recovery.

Fears, Resentment, and Forgiveness

The Big Book suggests that when embarking on the fact-finding stage of the enterprise, you create four columns to list all relevant information on your resentments, fears, sexual conduct, and harm caused to other people. When reflecting on resentments, we should focus on ways to move past anger and forgive those who have caused hurt. By embracing forgiveness and giving others the benefit of the doubt, you can let go of negative emotions that push you towards destructive actions. The 12 Step model lists resentment as the most serious character flaw for alcoholics and addicts, and learning to view the actions of those around you with understanding and compassion is one of the secrets to living a happy life.

At Iboga Tree Healing House, we have found that Naikan Therapy is a powerful tool for moving past resentment and cultivating a sense of gratitude in life. Naikan therapy focuses on reflecting upon your relationships: what you’re offering to and taking from the people around you every day. It has helped our clients move beyond resentment and into a positive outlook on their relationships with loved ones. We’d recommend this treatment as a complement to your personal inventory. 

As you progress into examining the harm that you have caused others, it’s important to get specific. You want to address the exact nature of your own wrongs, and the motivation which caused you to hurt those around you. When you’re tackling this part of the process, it’s important to be very careful not to justify or minimize any of your own actions. You should be reflecting on all of your relationships at this stage in the process, in order to create a full accounting of the damage your addiction has caused, and prepare you to begin healing and repairing that damage. 

Fears are important because they can often lead us to damaging behavior. They also lead to secrecy, dishonesty, and feelings of inadequacy. Addressing them head-on is a necessary step towards dealing with your own character flaws and changing yourself for the better. While it’s unlikely that you’ll completely conquer every fear you have, learning to respond positively to the feeling of fear will be a great help on your recovery journey.

Let's get emotional

Personal Inventory: taking stock for the new year

The process of undergoing a personal inventory will also lead you to explore your own emotional development and the ways in which addiction has stunted it. As you undergo the process and unearth painful memories, you’ll get to know which emotions you’re comfortable with experiencing, and which ones you tend to avoid feeling or expressing. Avoiding unpleasant emotions is one of the primary reasons why people turn to substances, and developing a level of comfort and familiarity with your feelings will help you to maintain sobriety. 

One tip that many people familiar with personal inventory tend to offer is to begin by creating a list of people, businesses, ideas, principles, situations, and institutions that have played a meaningful role in your life. As you work through the list, think about your memories, and the thoughts and feelings you associate with each. As you examine your own reactions and the emotions which are triggered, you will quickly realize (based on the intensity of your reactions) what you’ll need to focus on as you create an inventory.

What you'll get out of your personal inventory 

Personal Inventory: Taking stock for the new year

A well-run business regularly checks its inventory to see what it has. Is a supermarket dangerously low on milk? Does the pharmacy have medications that are about to expire? You’re looking to reach a similar goal within your own brain. What do you have inside yourself that is holding you back and causing you pain? What are your untapped resources and sources of strength? Are you carrying far too many negative emotions and memories into every situation you find yourself in? Do you have an urgent need for emotional support or self-esteem? What can you draw motivation and will-power from when you’re feeling low? 

A personal inventory is an integral part of the recovery process because it leads you to discover the truth about yourself and your life. It can help you finally get rid of the false narratives, negative emotions, and counter-productive decision-making processes that trapped you in addiction. It will let you know what relationships need to be repaired and guide you into making amends with those you’ve hurt. It will help you grow. It will help you learn.

It's just worth doing.

30th November 2020

Making Amends: A Pathway To Healing

One fundamental aspect of addiction is the way it forces addicts to violate their principles, beliefs, and values. In every life, we are bound to cause harm to others, regardless of intent, and often without our knowledge. But for the addicted, these transgressions can sink to truly appalling depths. One of the most essential parts of recovery is coming to terms with the harm we have caused to the people close to us, and whenever possible, doing everything we can to relieve the pain we have dished out. Let’s take a closer look at the process of making amends.

What is " Making Amends"?

define making amends

define making amends

A reductive definition would be “apologize sincerely to those you’ve hurt.” But experts at the Betty Ford Clinic have identified one of the key differences between apologies and amends. They rightly point out that amends are actions, whereas apologies are often just words. One of the keys to recovering from addiction is aligning your intentions and your actions. In the case of making amends, this can be defined as the difference between saying you’re sorry for having stolen from someone and creating a re-payment plan. By uniting your actions with your words, you can convince others that you’re committed to repairing wrongs and relationships. Compare this to the thousands of useless apologies you probably offered to those around you when you were using! Amends are so important because they are an actual, concrete manifestation of the changes that occurred within you when you moved from addiction into recovery.

Making Amends and The 12 Steps

make amends meaning

If you’re familiar with the 12-Step model of recovery, you’ve probably already been thinking about Steps 8 and 9 as you read the last two paragraphs. For the uninitiated:

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

These two steps are invaluable parts of the foundation to sober living. We need to deal with our pasts to move into a brighter future. We would recommend following through with these two steps even if you’re committed to a peer support program other than the AA/NA model

Alternative Ways To Make Amends

definition of making amends

While SMART Recovery and Practical Recovery don’t have a specific policy for making amends, they realize that the process is valuable for many in recovery, and they recommend acknowledging your role, apologizing, and making things right if it’s possible to do so. 

You may have read our recent blog post on Naikan Therapy - a recent addition to the Iboga Tree Healing House recovery toolbox. In Naikan therapy, realization is the first step toward making amends. Naikan helps to develop a realization about one’s wrongs and one’s part in those wrongs. Naikan teaches that one needs realization in the beginning - which is the most complex part of the amends process.

Naikan therapy helps one reach realization, and how (even if) amends are actually made is a personal choice. Some people may pay back by helping others, cleaning the soul, serving elderly people, parents, etc. Some people do not make direct or indirect amends at all.

In the Naikan model, the psychotherapist can encourage amends to be made, but the amends process is by no means an essential part of one’s recovery.

For those seeking to make amends for past wrongs, let’s explore the process of making amends in a little more depth.

Direct Amends

Making Amends

Making Amends

The phrase essentially means that you try to establish face-to-face communication with the person you’ve wronged. If they’re unwilling to meet with you, or time and distance will not allow for a meeting, we recommend trying to communicate as directly as possible, via Facetime, phone, email, or letter. You should always be open by acknowledging the pain and hurt you have caused, and avoid finding fault or shifting blame. Demonstrate through your words and actions how you have changed. Offer them whatever you can to repair the damage you’ve done, and try to find ways to enable them to heal.

Injuring Others: How Not To Do It

Amends

If you think that the process of making amends would cause needless harm, stress, mental anguish, or any other type of pain to another person, there’s no need to burden them in order to unburden yourself. As Step 9 dictates, “except when to do so would injure them.” Bear in mind that your goal in this process should be helping them to deal with the wrongs you’ve inflicted, not seeking closure for yourself. If you have painful information they’re unaware of and have no need to receive, ask yourself if they would actually benefit from receiving it. If you suspect that the answer might be “no”, try to do something else to atone for your actions, like volunteering your time with the needy, making a donation to a worthy cause, or taking steps to help out someone else in your life. You can atone for your actions without making them suffer.

What if Someone Doesn't Want to Meet Me?

What if Someone Doesn't Want to Meet Me?

There might be someone in your life to whom you are desperate to make amends to who wants nothing to do with you. If someone who you’ve hurt doesn’t want to accept your apologies and amends, it’s best to accept that fact and find some other way to reach closure for yourself. Intentionally taking positive and benevolent action in another part of your life can allow you to move forward and accept their decision to wash their hands of you. We never recommend forcing the issue and putting someone you’ve already harmed in an uncomfortable situation.

Avoiding Dangerous Situations

Avoiding Dangerous Situations

If someone who you’ve harmed is still actively addicted and using substances regularly, you should be very careful about putting your fragile sobriety at risk. You can try to nudge them towards treatment or ensure that you meet them in a safe place without any triggers or stressors that could fuel a relapse. While making amends is very important, as the Betty Ford Clinic notes, “our primary responsibility is to safeguard our own health and recovery from substance abuse.”

Don't Do It Alone

Making Amends and The 12 Steps

It’s important to consult with mentors, counselors, peers, sponsors, and relevant guides such as AA’s Big Book. Making amends is a long and arduous process that can cause fresh stresses and problems. Those who have experience with it are a resource that can help you avoid pitfalls along the way and ensure that you emerge happier, healthier, and stronger. They can reassure you that you are doing the right thing, even if the people that you have wronged respond to your efforts to heal with hostility, dismissiveness, or contempt. We’re always stronger together!  

Why Make Amends?

Why Make Amends?

Making amends is so necessary because it will deepen your understanding of the pain and suffering that addiction has caused to those around you. It can offer the opportunity to rebuild broken connections with your family and loved ones. But it also has substantial benefits for your own mental health. As addictions expert and Professor of Family Medicine Chris Ebberwein states “making amends means taking ownership for causing hurt, and then doing something to correct or heal it. Making amends puts to rest the temptation to be stuck in self-blame or to blame others. It allows the recovering person to move ahead toward correcting mistakes that were made and healing old hurts.” At Iboga Tree Healing House we’ve seen firsthand the way attempting to right past wrongs can heal the scars of addiction and build self-esteem and happiness.

9th October 2019

The 12-Step Model and Smart Recovery: Choosing Your Fellowship

For those dealing with addiction, recovery is a fundamental concept that you must explore, define for yourself, and strive towards for the rest of your life. One incredibly important tool for those attempting to conquer their addictions is peer support. Research has proven that “peer support groups included in addiction treatment show much promise in potentially reducing substance use, improving engagement, reducing HIV/HCV risk behaviors, and improving substance-related outcomes.

We’re sure you’re familiar with the concept of 12-step groups. Along with other peer-support networks, they allow addicts to share their struggles, triumphs, and hard-won insights into the affliction they’re struggling with. It’s undeniable that the fellowship and community they create have saved countless lives. But alternatives to the 12-step model have been steadily gaining in popularity, and today we’ll take a stab at outlining the differences between SMART Recovery, one of the most proven alternatives, and the traditional 12-step model.

SMART Recovery and The 12 Steps: Divergent Philosophies

SMART Recovery an The 12 Steps

The basis for the 12 steps is spiritual, but not tied to any particular religion. As the Hazelden Betty Ford Clinic notes, there are four main stages to the steps: admitting powerlessness, opening up to a source of power outside of oneself, taking inventory, and maintaining/strengthening spirituality. The definition of spirituality is interpreted very broadly, and the group’s popular slogan “take what works and leave the rest” can allow newcomers and skeptical members to benefit from the aspects of the program that help them, and ignore the elements that they find unreasonable or forbidding.

SMART Recovery is based on a four-point program: enhance and maintain motivation to abstain, cope with urges, manage thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and balance momentary and enduring satisfactions. Its basis is built on scientific, rather than spiritual, foundations, utilizing the principles of Dr. Albert Ellis’ Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Dr. Ellis is widely considered one of the originators of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and one of the most influential psychologists in history.

Perhaps the most fundamental difference between the two approaches is where the locus of control is placed. 12-Step programs emphasize the powerlessness of the individual in the face of addiction and call on those in recovery to find strength and motivation from an external, spiritual power. SMART Recovery, on the other hand, emphasizes internal control and encourages the individual to take control of their own thoughts and behaviors by turning negative thoughts and behaviors into positive ones. Also, while the 12-Step model is believed by its adherents to be universally applicable to all addicts, SMART Recovery allows much more flexibility, encouraging participants to create their own approach, one that suits their psychological profile, gender, age, emotional needs and duration and severity of their addiction.

The 12-Step Model and SMART Recovery: Differences in Practice

SMART Recovery vs 12 Step: Differences in Practice

While AA and NA use the 12 Steps as a guide to one’s progression through the stages of recovery, SMART Recovery identifies six stages of change: pre-contemplation (subconsciously thinking of recovery), contemplation, determination/preparation, action, maintenance, and graduation. Graduation is a major difference between the two programs. SMART Recovery views addiction as a physical behavior, which ends when the addict stops using the substance they’re dependent on. Individuals can progress from “in recovery” to “recovered,” in contrast to the 12 Steps, where participants are encouraged to view themselves as alcoholics or addicts for the rest of their lives. Advocates of SMART Recovery feel that 12 Step programs perpetuate the stigma of addiction with the negative implication that addicts can never break free, while those in AA/NA would counter with stories of addicts who relapse after years or decades of sober living (people who had “too many years and not enough days”).

Another massive difference in practice is the idea of “cross-talk.” 12-step meetings are based on the idea of “sharing.” A participant will address the group with stories, struggles, or advice, but when sharing you aren’t allowed to discuss what another participant shared. In SMART Recovery meetings, cross-talk is allowed and even encouraged. Because many of the meetings are facilitated by professional therapists or counselors (unlike AA/NA meetings which are always facilitated by peers) there is often a qualified professional to keep things focused and productive.

One major advantage of 12-Step programs is the sponsor system. A sponsor is an experienced group member who develops a close relationship with a newcomer and guides them through the steps, embodying the 12th step of recovery: “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” A sponsor should ideally take your phone calls when you need support, give advice on the difficult aspects of recovery, and develop an older sibling type of relationship with you. They can be life-savers as you grapple with the challenges of sober living, and are, in our opinion, one of the most valuable tools available to those in recovery.

A major advantage of SMART Recovery is its willingness to evolve as science improves our understanding of addiction. It’s currently based on 3 current scientific methodologies: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Motivational Enhancement Therapy, and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. 12-step programs, on the other hand, are based on a text that debuted in 1939 and has remained virtually unchanged since then. One can safely assume that SMART Recovery is, therefore, better equipped to take advantage of neurological, pharmacological, and psychological research that will help us determine best practices for treating addiction, both now and in the future.

The 12-Step Model and Smart Recovery: Making Your Choice

The 12-Step Model and Smart Recovery: Making Your Choice

Every brain is different, every addiction is different, and every recovery will be different. At Iboga Tree Healing House we would recommend that those in recovery explore every option that may help them build a healthy, balanced, sober life. We are proud of our weekly online meet-ups for individuals who have recovered with the help of Iboga, but we would recommend that you supplement them with an in-person gathering at least once a week as you move towards healing. See which meeting near you meets your needs, and find the people who can give you the support and friendship that will be a crucial support in your recovery. We bow before the wisdom of the precept “take what works and leave the rest.”

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