22nd December 2020 • Sticky Post

Recovery Christmas: Dealing With Family Issues

A Recovery Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year for those with addiction issues. The stresses of maintaining sobriety are compounded by emotionally fraught encounters, busy schedules, and sky-high expectations. And for many, family situations are the greatest stressor by a mile. If you’re in recovery, your family life has probably been complicated by your past actions, and while family members can be life-saving sources of love and support, your relations can also cause a great deal of emotional pain, and push you into very negative places. To make sure that your recovery Christmas is safe and happy, here’s our guide for dealing with difficult family members this month.  

Get Out of the Problem and Into the Solution

If you’ve completed a treatment program, you’ve probably already done your best to begin making amends. If you are still in the very early stages of recovery, the holiday season is a great time to start exploring ways to heal the pain you’ve caused and rebuild relationships that have suffered. It’s entirely possible, and fair, that some family members might still hold grudges or express distrust and disappointment, depending on the extent of your past misdeeds. Remember that it will take time for these people to acknowledge and accept that you have changed. You need to try to show the depth of your commitment to becoming a better person. 

It’s perfectly normal for some family members to maintain resentments for some time after your addiction ends. It’s important that you take responsibility for your actions, acknowledge their feelings, and take any steps you can to heal the pain you’ve caused. But it is also fundamental that you recognize when their actions are unreasonable, unkind, and intended to cause pain. Just because you’ve made mistakes doesn’t mean that you deserve to be a punching bag for toxic and emotionally unstable relations.

Mindfulness and Naikan Therapy can be great ways to establish a solid foundation for positive interactions. As Dr. Mike Dow, bestselling author and psychotherapist noted in a recent New York Times article, in situations like this, “your heart rate doesn’t lie.” He recommends monitoring your physical responses to your environment and using yoga, mindfulness exercises, or a long walk to calm down in order to build up “emotional resilience” in tough situations like a recovery Christmas.

Naikan, a Japanese therapy that uses techniques from Buddhist meditation to explore the true nature of our relationships and cultivate a sense of gratitude, can also be very helpful. Reflecting on what your family has done to help and support you throughout your life can allow you to enter fraught situations with a positive attitude, to forgive and let go of resentment, and to view and understand the behavior of your relatives in a new light. In many cases, you’ll find that what is sometimes seen as criticism may be an expression of love and concern and that your relatives truly want what is best for you. 

Self-Care Steps for Times of Family Stryfe

1) Recognize Reality And Set Boundaries

If someone in your family is mean-spirited, negative, gossipy, or cruel you shouldn’t make excuses for them. Be honest with yourself and them about how their actions affect others. Set inviolable boundaries for how you will and won’t allow yourself to be treated, and what behavior you simply cannot be around during your recovery Christmas.

2) Establish Rules

If your sobriety depends on certain conditions, discuss establishing rules surrounding them for family gatherings. If some topics need to be off-limits to maintain a positive and friendly environment, try to reach an agreement on this beforehand. It will help you avoid contentious situations, and minimize drama. If you’re not ready to be around excessive drinking or drug use, firmly establish this before your gathering, and allow those who insist on engaging in these behaviors the opportunity to make other plans. Any family member who truly cares about your health and happiness will be willing to accept that the sacrifice is worth it.

3) Remember: You Aren’t A Therapist

It might be tempting to put your recovery experience to use within your family. Whether confronting someone about harmful actions, pushing someone towards therapy or treatment, or trying to mediate a simmering conflict. These are all worthwhile goals, but you need to recognize that a family gathering isn’t the time to accomplish them. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s happiness, or for making their Christmas magical. Maintain a positive attitude, praise the cooking, and wash a dish or two. But postpone solving the problems of your loved ones until you’re in a setting conducive to a long, serious talk. 

4) Sometimes Walking Away is the Only Way

This Psychology Today article lists a series of behaviors and attitudes typically associated with toxic personalities. It includes irresponsibility in speech and actions that cause pain to others, a hair-trigger temper and outbursts of disproportionately intense anger, a need to be the center of attention, the refusal to let go of grievances, and a tendency to leave others feeling anxious, troubled, and tormented.  

If someone in your family is this damaging to your sense of mental well-being, it may be time to consider avoiding them altogether. You need to exercise self-care and ensure that you are equipped to successfully battle your addiction. You are under no social or familial obligation to allow yourself to be victimized, and you have every right to prioritize your long-term mental and physical health above the needs of a toxic relative. Your family members had the right to demand that you seek help and treatment for the affliction you were battling, and to cut you off if you refused. You shouldn’t be afraid to make the same demands when confronted with someone suffering from an emotional disorder.

The holidays are one of the most difficult times of the year for those fighting addiction. If you or someone you know needs help, don’t hesitate to get in touch with Iboga Tree Healing House today!