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Iboga Blog
family
22nd December 2020 • Sticky Post
Recovery Christmas: Dealing With Family Issues
A Recovery Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year for those with addiction issues. The stresses of maintaining sobriety are compounded by emotionally fraught encounters, busy schedules, and sky-high expectations. And for many, family situations are the greatest stressor by a mile. If you’re in recovery, your family life has probably been complicated by your past actions, and while family members can be life-saving sources of love and support, your relations can also cause a great deal of emotional pain, and push you into very negative places. To make sure that your recovery Christmas is safe and happy, here’s our guide for dealing with difficult family members this month.
Get Out of the Problem and Into the Solution
If you’ve completed a treatment program, you’ve probably already done your best to begin making amends. If you are still in the very early stages of recovery, the holiday season is a great time to start exploring ways to heal the pain you’ve caused and rebuild relationships that have suffered. It’s entirely possible, and fair, that some family members might still hold grudges or express distrust and disappointment, depending on the extent of your past misdeeds. Remember that it will take time for these people to acknowledge and accept that you have changed. You need to try to show the depth of your commitment to becoming a better person.
It’s perfectly normal for some family members to maintain resentments for some time after your addiction ends. It’s important that you take responsibility for your actions, acknowledge their feelings, and take any steps you can to heal the pain you’ve caused. But it is also fundamental that you recognize when their actions are unreasonable, unkind, and intended to cause pain. Just because you’ve made mistakes doesn’t mean that you deserve to be a punching bag for toxic and emotionally unstable relations.
Mindfulness and Naikan Therapy can be great ways to establish a solid foundation for positive interactions. As Dr. Mike Dow, bestselling author and psychotherapist noted in a recent New York Times article, in situations like this, “your heart rate doesn’t lie.” He recommends monitoring your physical responses to your environment and using yoga, mindfulness exercises, or a long walk to calm down in order to build up “emotional resilience” in tough situations like a recovery Christmas.
Naikan, a Japanese therapy that uses techniques from Buddhist meditation to explore the true nature of our relationships and cultivate a sense of gratitude, can also be very helpful. Reflecting on what your family has done to help and support you throughout your life can allow you to enter fraught situations with a positive attitude, to forgive and let go of resentment, and to view and understand the behavior of your relatives in a new light. In many cases, you’ll find that what is sometimes seen as criticism may be an expression of love and concern and that your relatives truly want what is best for you.
Self-Care Steps for Times of Family Stryfe
1) Recognize Reality And Set Boundaries
If someone in your family is mean-spirited, negative, gossipy, or cruel you shouldn’t make excuses for them. Be honest with yourself and them about how their actions affect others. Set inviolable boundaries for how you will and won’t allow yourself to be treated, and what behavior you simply cannot be around during your recovery Christmas.
2) Establish Rules
If your sobriety depends on certain conditions, discuss establishing rules surrounding them for family gatherings. If some topics need to be off-limits to maintain a positive and friendly environment, try to reach an agreement on this beforehand. It will help you avoid contentious situations, and minimize drama. If you’re not ready to be around excessive drinking or drug use, firmly establish this before your gathering, and allow those who insist on engaging in these behaviors the opportunity to make other plans. Any family member who truly cares about your health and happiness will be willing to accept that the sacrifice is worth it.
3) Remember: You Aren’t A Therapist
It might be tempting to put your recovery experience to use within your family. Whether confronting someone about harmful actions, pushing someone towards therapy or treatment, or trying to mediate a simmering conflict. These are all worthwhile goals, but you need to recognize that a family gathering isn’t the time to accomplish them. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s happiness, or for making their Christmas magical. Maintain a positive attitude, praise the cooking, and wash a dish or two. But postpone solving the problems of your loved ones until you’re in a setting conducive to a long, serious talk.
4) Sometimes Walking Away is the Only Way
This Psychology Today article lists a series of behaviors and attitudes typically associated with toxic personalities. It includes irresponsibility in speech and actions that cause pain to others, a hair-trigger temper and outbursts of disproportionately intense anger, a need to be the center of attention, the refusal to let go of grievances, and a tendency to leave others feeling anxious, troubled, and tormented.
If someone in your family is this damaging to your sense of mental well-being, it may be time to consider avoiding them altogether. You need to exercise self-care and ensure that you are equipped to successfully battle your addiction. You are under no social or familial obligation to allow yourself to be victimized, and you have every right to prioritize your long-term mental and physical health above the needs of a toxic relative. Your family members had the right to demand that you seek help and treatment for the affliction you were battling, and to cut you off if you refused. You shouldn’t be afraid to make the same demands when confronted with someone suffering from an emotional disorder.
The holidays are one of the most difficult times of the year for those fighting addiction. If you or someone you know needs help, don’t hesitate to get in touch with Iboga Tree Healing House today!
11th November 2020 • Sticky Post
Addiction: A Family Disease
Addiction doesn’t just affect the addict. It takes a horrible toll on husbands and wives, parents and children, and often extended families as well. It is frequently passed down through generations, creating a pattern of trauma that perpetuates itself time and again. Many researchers also feel that certain genetic factors make some families far more vulnerable to addiction than their peers. All of these statements are so widely believed that they are almost cliches at this point. Yet most conventional modalities for treating addiction focus purely on the individual addict and do little to heal families that have been torn apart and brutally traumatized. The time has come for treatment providers to focus more attention on the families of the addicted.
Healing Together
Addiction
We’ve written before about the strength that those in recovery can draw from group therapy and peer engagement. The benefits include strengthening bonds, imparting wisdom, and instilling confidence and hope. Group therapy works so well in part because surrogate families are created which allow the addict to draw necessary support from their peers. When actual families become involved in the process, these benefits increase exponentially.
Numerous studies have shown that involving families improves treatment outcomes. Addiction treatment coupled with family therapy has been shown to reduce relapse rates, improve medication adherence, reduce psychiatric symptoms, and lower overall stress levels. According to the US-based National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), the benefits of family involvement include:
- Keeping the sufferer engaged and motivated during treatment
- Discovering more about addiction and its effects on the family as well as understanding how treatment is conducted and what is to be expected when it’s complete
- Enabling family members to make their voices heard, share feelings and concerns and ask important questions about a loved one’s addiction
- Offering the sufferer adequate and appropriate support after treatment
- Helping to ease feelings of fear, anger, stress, and confusion related to the addiction
- The chance for family members to develop skills and strategies to guide their loved one through the recovery process
- Improving the family’s communication and conflict resolution skills
- Offering the opportunity to address any mental health issues within the family, such as depression or anxiety, which could increase familial stress and contribute to relapse
Addiction and Family Trauma
Addiction and Family Trauma
Dr. Gabor Mate has written eloquently about childhood trauma as a precursor to, and cause of, addiction. He feels that pain from childhood suffering becomes internalized, and leads adults into destructive cycles of self-medication. As Mate states, “hurt is at the center of all addictive behaviors. It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic. The wound may not be as deep and the ache not as excruciating, and it may even be entirely hidden — but it’s there.”
A great deal of research seems to confirm the link between early trauma and addiction. A study in Atlanta found that participants who experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse as children and exhibited symptoms of PTSD were far more likely to suffer from substance abuse disorders. The study found that this increased risk of addiction was independent of any trauma suffered in adulthood. Of the subjects, lifetime substance dependency rates were 39% for alcohol, 34% for cocaine, 6.2% for opioids and 45% for marijuana. Another study looked at subjects who had been exposed to 0-10 types of adverse childhood experiences and found that subjects exposed to 5 or more were 7 to 10 times more likely to report illicit drug use problems. There are a number of other studies which appear to bear out Dr. Mate’s belief that addictions are rooted in childhood trauma.
We are inclined to accept Mate’s assertion that adverse childhood experience is a common factor in an overwhelming majority of addicts. We should also note that childhood trauma includes not just dramatic experiences like emotional loss, various types of abuse, and mental illness, but also more commonplace causes of harm such as depriving children of fundamental needs that must be met for healthy emotional and mental development. If an addicted family member claims that they suffer from childhood trauma, it’s important to remember that they aren’t necessarily accusing you of abuse or neglect, they’re simply sharing their pain.
Family's Part in the Recovery Journey
Family's Part in the Recovery Journey
Involving the family in treatment is invaluable, as it can allow the addict and their loved ones to make peace with the traumatic childhood experiences which lead to addiction. Forgiveness is an essential part of recovery, and opening up an honest and respectful dialogue with family members can lead to acceptance of the flaws and shortcomings which led to trauma, and offer the opportunity to start fresh. As the speaker in this powerful Ted Talk notes, forgiveness isn’t a shortcut to healing, but a path to freedom, which enables the person wronged to move on from painful memories and remove bitterness and negativity from their lives.
At Iboga Tree Healing House we are firm believers in utilizing the deep bonds created by love, shared experiences, and understanding which only a family can offer. Finding forgiveness can remove the addict from their isolated state, and free their families from an endless cycle of negativity and recriminations. Addicts need to make peace with their pasts, and involving the family in this process can allow them to explore the causes of their pain and build the skills necessary to deal with it in a healthy manner. By working with your loved one as they go through the recovery process you won’t just help them to heal, you’ll also heal yourself.
7th April 2020 • Sticky Post
Codependency, and how it impacts your life
“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behaviour affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behaviour.” -Melody Beattie, author of ‘Codependent No More.’
Defining Co-dependency
Most psychologists view codependency as a product of two dysfunctional personalities coming together to an extent where boundaries between the personalities cease to exist. Psychologists call this process “enmeshment.” We all know deeply unhappy couples who have stayed together in spite of the misery they create. And while there are many reasons for couples to stick together in dire situations (children, finances, inertia, loyalty, etc.), the main reason people stay in these relationships is the belief of one partner (or sometimes both) that they deserve to be mistreated.
Traditionally, codependent relationships have been defined by control. Studies from the late 1980s and early 1990s concluded that codependent individuals based their lives, self-esteem and sense of well-being on the behaviour of an unhealthy family member. They concluded that a pattern was established with the functional partner nurturing the afflicted partner, and creating a pleasurable and self-reinforcing cycle which rewarded misbehaviour. As the psychologist Reevah Simon has noted, “wherever there is ongoing conflict, there is underlying agreement.” In other words, the functional partner consents to the pattern of codependency, and takes a sense of pleasure, satisfaction, or purpose from it.
Codependency in the Family
The classic example of a codependent relationship is the enabling wife of an alcoholic, but over time the definition has expanded to include partners of individuals with any addiction or chemical dependency, partners of some individuals afflicted by chronic physical or mental illnesses, and any member of a dysfunctional family with symptoms of the disorder.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you are at a far greater risk of developing codependent relationships. According to Mental Health America, members of dysfunctional families are used to denying the existence of problems. They don’t talk about them or confront them, so family members learn at a young age to repress difficult emotions and deny their own needs: “They develop behaviours that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited.”
Members of dysfunctional families are programmed from an early age to shift their energy and focus from themselves to the family member who is ill or addicted. They place the needs of the afflicted family member above their own in order to keep the family unit intact. As a result they often lose their sense of self. They develop a pattern of putting the well-being of a loved one ahead of their own, and become disconnected from their own needs and desires, and this pattern is primed to repeat itself in adult life.
Are You in A Co-dependent Relationship?
People suffering from codependency generally have low self-esteem and look for things outside of themselves for validation and fulfillment. They have difficulty “being themselves” and are prone to addictive or compulsive behavioural disorders. They generally have good intentions and try to take on the role of caregiver in many of their relationships, but often become self-defeating and compulsive in the role, enabling or shrugging off unacceptable behaviour.
This creates a cycle where the person needing care becomes ever-more dependent on their caregiver, while avoiding the consequences of their destructive behaviour. Meanwhile, the caregiver becomes habituated to the sense of satisfaction and fulfillment they derive from being needed. Eventually, the caretaking becomes a compulsion, and the caretaker develops a sense of martyrdom and victimhood, but is unable to break away from the mutually destructive relationship. This leads to feelings of helplessness and depression.
A Google search will yield a plethora of questionnaires designed to identify signs of the disorder, but please note that only a qualified professional is capable of making a diagnosis. The lists frequently include questions asking about your ability to communicate negative emotions, your tolerance towards living with toxic relationships, your self-esteem, and your ability to ask for, and deny requests for help. If you’re worried that you might be trapped in a cycle of co-dependence, we’d recommend trying this online questionnaire, and if the results indicate that you may be afflicted, seek out a mental health professional immediately.
Treating Codependency
If you’re convinced you suffer from this disorder, we’d recommend starting with a diagnosis, counseling, and peer-support fellowships. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are both fantastic resources and support systems which will let you access the support and wisdom of those who have overcome codependence. SMART Recovery takes an approach to addiction based on the principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and their support program for family members emphasizes positive and honest communication for guiding addicted partners and family members toward healthier lives, and avoiding the pitfalls of codependence. Traditional therapy and CBT have also helped many codependent partners and family members to take control of their own lives and well-being.
Non-traditional cures can also be used to combat codependency. Mindfulness practice is a great way to connect with yourself and explore your own thoughts, needs, and desires. Yoga can also help center you and connect body, mind, and soul in a way that will help you actualize your own will to take control of your life. And treatment with psychedelics and ibogaine have also proved effective in helping patients confront traumatic aspects of their pasts, and deal with painful memories and emotions. Addiction can ruin the lives of addicts and their loved ones. Don’t let it ruin yours.
